so another day, another live journal entry. havent used this in a while, but I kinda need to just let some stuff out. Me and my girl are finally back toget and I'm happy about that. REALLY REALLY happy. But now I feel like my jealousy flares at any other moment and its so much worse than before and I don't know if she'll ever know that. bleh.... I could be imagining it because I'm tired or something, Idk.

But it's time for some sleep cuz I need it more than I know.

days go by and by and by....

things get worse and worse...

I don't know what the hell I feel anymore... I love this girl and she's going out with someone else. It's a want and I can never really have again situation. She loves me so much, but she cheated on me and I don't know what to do... I have so many worries. Will she do it again... will I ever get back with her...just all these problems.

But the one thing that always stands.. I love her.

Then I've been thinking about other things.... I want to be free, just out and away, from everything... I want to be able to fly.. in other words... I've been thinking more and more about joining the air force and learning how to fly, how to fight in the sky. The one place where I know I can be free.

....it doesn't help that I have something of a death wish either :P


but things may change and they may start looking up again....I'm lucky like that.

so here I am stuck at home and I have gotta say this is one of the worst days i have ever had. Stuck at home all day, bored outta my mind.

Then of course, I'm still stuck going through all of the stupid high school drama that everyone lives off of.... always a good time, and i think that I'll leave something of a story.

... So we met during summer marching band about  2 years ago, and I thought that she was one of the cutest girls ever. I liked her a lot and so we went on with flirting and then dating... the dating going on for about a year and a half. I had some of the best times with her, and I had some of my worst with her too... but I didn't care, I didn't know that as simple as it was, I was in love.

Then we had a huge fight and broke up, not like the little times that we had, but this time it was for real and neither of us were backing down. days went bye and days went, both of us getting hurt on and off. So we decided to try it again. It was so great having her back, I was the happiest that I had been in a while...but it didn't last.

The cycle went like that, back and forth, together and apart.....till we get to today. where she broke up with me two days ago, and left me terribly confused as to what's going on. Not that much fun....and today has been hell.

I can honestly say that once or twice I have been depressed, just slightly, but today, I have been thouroghly depressed and I don't want to do anything or see anyone and I just gave up on life.and more and more I started to contemplate something horrible...suicide.

It wasn't the first time I thought about it and I know it sure won't be the last... but god I miss her and she'll never know. I love that girl and she hurt me pretty badly over the past couple of days and now I don't know what the hell I want out of anyone.

.........and I don't know what I want to do with my life...... tbc